Obituaries

    The last thing I read in the newspaper is the obituaries.  The rest of the paper seems to consist of an unrelieved chronicle of violence, avarice, deceit and aggressive stupidity.  The obituaries are a series of stories about decent people leading ordinary lives well.  They never commit crimes, steal, lie, hate whole classes of people who are slightly different from themselves or act dishonorably.  The only sad thing is that all the people in the newspaper who are good are dead.

    So, I have started my own:

H--, Walter K. "Walter"

    Walter H-- died recently after cravenly surrendering to some damn thing that killed him.  He was known to his family and few friends as "Walter" because that was his name.  Walter was born Nov. 15, 1944 in Flint, Michigan.  Because he was a Former Flint Youth expectations for him were low enough that he could attain them without much hard work. 

    Walter survived his parents, Miles and Helen H--, who would have been very old by now if they were still alive.  He was also preceded in death by his sister, Kay, and billions of other people.  He is survived by his wife, Nancy, who put up with him for a very, very long time and two children, Deirdre of Washington, D.C. and Mark of San Francisco, CA, in whom he was very well pleased.

    Completing first grade at Dort Elementary School in Flint in 1950, Walter developed a lifelong love of learning and hatred of authority.  He was well known for his world class sales resistance and passion for sarcasm.  He loved mankind but didn't much like people.  He wanted to live long enough to see the Detroit Lions win the Super Bowl, but was deterred by the anticipated ravages of extreme old age.  He harbored a lifelong belief that he could have done well on Jeopardy.

    Some kind of memorial service will be held if there are enough people interested. In lieu of flowers or candy or whatever please make donations to one of the many worthy charities he was too cheap to donate to during his lifetime.